When Scaling Back Isn’t Enough
The Problem: Overcommitting
In a session with a client experiencing burnout, they talked about wanting to scale back. Scaling back can be a necessary step to recovering from burnout or simply adjusting when we’ve overscoped.
But what happens when, no matter how much we scale back, we keep adding things to our plate? Scaling back is important, but it’s not enough for many of us. For many of us, we need to learn how to stop adding more.
It’s about developing the muscle of restraint — the habit of not adding new things when your plate is already full — and building comfort with the discomfort that comes from not doing.
Who Struggles With This?
This is a skill many new (and not-so-new) leaders need to develop, but it is also relevant for anyone who struggles with overcommitment. Some people struggle with it more than others:
New leaders who succeeded as individual contributors are used to taking initiative and delivering independently.
Leaders who care deeply about their team do not want to overburden others, or see gaps in team capacity, and haven’t figured out how to delegate or give feedback effectively.
Those of us in the habit of saying yes to be helpful do so whether at work, in volunteer roles, or at home.
Those of us who are endlessly curious and excited often have more interests and passions than our bodies and schedules can accommodate.
Those of us who grew up with an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, perfectionism, or control carry traits that once served a function but are not always needed now.
The ADHD Factor
Then, there are added challenges for those of us with ADHD. Adding ADHD to the mix (which is part of my experience) brings a whole other element — one reason why many people with ADHD struggle with burnout.
Our brains get extremely stimulated by new ideas. Every idea looks exciting, so your brain wants to chase all of them.
That’s why people with ADHD often start many things; our brains are really good at spotting interesting things and getting curious fast. The tricky part is that all the chasing can leave us tired, overwhelmed, or surrounded by half-finished projects.
The Cycle of Overcommitment
Whether it’s because we aren’t confident saying no to requests or delegating, or because we get excited by everything and say yes to it all, if we keep adding things to our plates, no matter how much we scale back, they will keep filling up, and we will stay burnt out.
So how do we develop that muscle of restraint?
Step 1: Pause
The first step is pausing in the moment instead of saying yes or volunteering for something while we’re on autopilot.
There are many ways to do this:
A visual cue like a Post-it note (Don’t say yes! or PAUSE!)
Reflect at the start or end of your day: “What did I say yes to today?” This reflection gradually leads to noticing in the moment
If you have a coach, bring it to your sessions to keep it front of mind
Impulse control is an executive function, and we need some degree of it to take these pauses. Other things that indirectly help improve impulse control include meditation, sleep, exercise, and eating well — all things that also help with burnout, though they’re harder to maintain when over-extended.
Step 2: Decide Intentionally
Once we have this space, we have much more freedom to make an intentional decision.
Ask yourself filtering questions based on your values, goals, and capacity to determine what to say yes to. Maybe you do a gut check, or maybe you have a short list of questions to guide the decision.
If it isn’t a yes, is it a no (let it go), or can it be delegated? Practice saying no or asking others to take it on. Writing a short script can help.
If you aren’t sure, take your time deciding (if it’s worth your time!).
Step 3: Face the Feelings
The more difficult part for many of us is the feelings that arise when taking these actions. The reality is, what many of us are actually avoiding is not saying no, letting things go, or asking someone else to do something — it’s the feelings that come with it.
These feelings can include:
Anxiety about consequences
Fear that things won’t be done well (or at all!)
Fear that people won’t like us if we say no
Fear of conflict
Fear of being seen as a “bad” leader/employee/person
Fear of abdicating
Fear of missing out
Fear of failing (now we have time to focus on new challenges vs things that come easily)
Fear of not having value anymore
Guilt that you aren’t putting the cause first (particularly if you work in health, nonprofit, teaching, or as a parent)
Frustration at seeing how things could be done better (and not doing anything about it!)
Guilt that you are putting yourself first
Emptiness (sometimes having more time after incessant busyness means we feel empty)
I’ve found that for myself and many of my clients, our habits that cause harm are often driven by avoidance of feelings. Feelings can be intense, and our brains tell us they’re too much — so we push through, avoid, or try to fix them.
One thing I do that helps is labeling all of these as “uncomfortable.” For me, the brain handles discomfort better than fear or emptiness. Seeing discomfort as a natural part of change makes it manageable.
Example: I might avoid saying no to volunteering because I fear missing the opportunity and feel guilty putting myself first when the cause is so worthy. I then remind myself:
“I’m uncomfortable with the fear and guilt that come up when I say no. I can handle this discomfort.”
This makes the feelings manageable and prevents them from hijacking decisions 30 minutes later.
Start Practicing Restraint Today
Pause before saying yes (use a post-it or reminder)
Ask: “Do I really have the capacity for this?”
Say no or delegate what doesn’t fit
Notice the feelings that come up — fear, guilt, FOMO — and remind yourself: “I can handle this discomfort.”
So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed and want to press pause, it’s important to take things off your plate. But for a sustainable future, it’s essential to learn how to stop adding too many things to your plate in the first place. There’s enough on our plates that we can’t control, so be intentional about what you choose to give your time and energy to so that you have the capacity to enjoy and be present for them.